Silence and the Soldier
by ForeordainedDestiny
Summary: {3x1x3 yaoi angst} What really did happen between Heero and Trowa after the Wing pilot self-distructed? The Perfect Soldier must learn to live again and Nanashi must help him along the way...
1. Somewhere Between Life and Death

**Silence and the Soldier**  
Author: ForeordainedDestiny    
Category: yaoi/shounen ai  
Rating: PG-13   
Pairings: 3x1/1x3  
Warnings: the usual…boys with boys… Now, if you don't like yaoi, don't read it! Simple as that.  
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing characters and universe are the property of the copyright owners. I don't make any money off my simple writings.  
Feedback: Any and all comments and feedback is welcome.   
Notes: Alright, I guess I have some explaining to do. I first started writing on ff.net a year or so ago as Satsuki Kitsune, and created ForeordainedDestiny for other personal reasons. I now decided to stop having identity crises and just transfer all my fics to this screen name. Have I lost you yet? Anyways, this was a perfect excuse for me to rewrite Silence and the Soldier, so here it is… I realize that most of this chapter is set in the series, but bear with me and you shall get to more original writing next chapter.

A moan escaped the lips of the young teen in bed, haunted by sleep. Tonight, the ghosts of the enigmatic assassin Odin Lowe and the blonde girl in the yellow sundress he had killed as a child, made their presence known in his dreams. They stared and pointed accusing fingers at him, faces emotionless. The girl was still holding her mutilated puppy, even in death.

            _'You're all dead…'_ The dream Heero was much like the live one, emotionless as a machine.

            The blonde-haired girl looked at him with haunted, empty blue eyes under her hat. Her lip curled into a merciless smirk.

            "Yes, I'm dead. I'm dead because you killed me. You killed me, Heero-chan."

The pilot of Wing Gundam opened his eyes slowly with a gasp. He looked around, taking in his new, unfamiliar surroundings. He was lying in a small bed inside a trailer, but that was all he knew. He was wearing his black spandex shorts, but several rounds of bandages were wrapped carefully around his torso and arm.

            _'Just a dream- Where am I?' _Then, his deep Prussian eyes widened slightly as they saw the Peacecraft girl sitting in a chair, knitting.

            The young woman turned around and saw that he was awake, her eyes widening in surprise. But her face turned into a girl who he would soon know as Catherine. She had reddish-brown hair, which was kept short and curly, and eyes of a glassy blue that seemed friendly and full of care. 

            "Oh, you're awake! I'll go get Trowa!" She was gone in a hurry, running quickly out of the trailer.

            _'Trowa?'_

Just then, the tall, deep green-eyed Heavyarms pilot walked in. He looked at Heero with a penetrating gaze, taking in the sight of the Wing Pilot for the thousandth time, the cuts, bruises and bloody bandages.

            Heero looked straight back, his emotionless eyes never wavering,

            "Why did you save me? I-…" He stopped, finding that it was fairly hard to talk and his voice was dry and cracked from disuse. He ignored the pain and said more, "I was supposed to die." The smaller teen tried to sit up, but a look of extreme pain crossed his unguarded face and he fell back, breathing hard,

            "What happened to me?"

            Trowa, who had been silent until now, regarded Heero carefully,

            "Self-destructing is a good way to kill yourself. But in your case, you lived through it. You have a compound fracture in your left arm, a piece of shrapnel formerly lodged in your leg, and major cuts and bruises all over your chest and legs. It's a miracle you're still alive," he told him. Heero said nothing, looking disgusted with himself.

            "Ever since that battle, there have been no other battles or threats to the colonies. And I wonder, should I go ahead and kill you, then follow your example…" Trowa continued.

            Heero took a deep breath, his eyes unreadable.

            "I'll tell you one thing: Dying hurts like hell." 

Trowa's face slowly broke into a smile and he laughed aloud. And Catherine spoke from the small kitchen area in the trailer,

            "Hey, I think that's the first time I've ever heard Trowa laugh!" she exclaimed while making soup.

            The two stoic pilots glanced at her, then back at each other.

            "Will you tell me what happened while I was lying here unconscious?" Heero asked. 

Trowa nodded,

            "Sure thing."

As he began to talk, images from the night when he had brought Heero here came back to his memory.

            _*flashback*_

            Trowa hopped out of Heavyarm's cockpit and hurriedly climbed over to where the Wing pilot laid in the orange, red and white mech's hand. Ignoring the blood dripping all over the Gundam's hand, Trowa pulled the battered and broken Heero out. And, carrying him carefully, the tall pilot jumped down from the suit with Heero in his arms. Trowa glanced down at him frequently; worry beginning to show upon his face.

Trowa ran quickly to his and Catherine's trailer, banging heavily on the door and careful not to drop Heero.

            Catherine opened it, still in her nightgown, and gasped.

            "Trowa! My god…Bring him in!"

            The Heavyarms pilot laid Heero down on the counter and Catherine appeared again with a med kit and bandages. She didn't bother to ask questions, because she knew Trowa was far too secretive about his life. Cathy stripped Heero of his ruined and bloody shirt and began dressing his wounds the best she knew how.

            "He's bleeding everywhere," she whispered.

            Cathy looked at Heero's left arm, which was bent in an unnatural way- It was beyond no doubt fractured. The skin looked pale and green-tinged, with a piece of bone sticking out, and she didn't know how to set broken bones.

            "He needs to go to the hospital, or he'll die," she told Trowa, glancing up at her brother. "He's bleeding too badly."

            Thoughts raced through Trowa's mind, but he maintained his silent façade. _How could he face Heero if the Wing Pilot woke up in a hospital? But even so, how could he let the Perfect Soldier die?_

TBC

            9/13/02

Author's Notes: I am going to keep posting this fic no matter whether it get reviews or not, because I owe it to myself and my writing to revise and post this fic. I hope you enjoy it as much as some of the people have in the past. I thank those people and you, who are reading this now. ^_~ I wouldn't mind knowing what you think!


	2. Remembered and Lost

**Silence and the Soldier**  
Author: ForeordainedDestiny   
Category: yaoi/shounen ai  
Rating: PG-13   
Pairings: 3x1/1x3  
Warnings: the usual…boys with boys… Now, if you don't like yaoi, don't read it! Simple as that.  
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing characters and universe are the property of the copyright owners. I don't make any money off my simple writings.  
Feedback: Any and all comments and feedback is welcome.  
Notes:  Ahh… Now I remember: I get to have much fun torturing poor Hee-chan in this part… Enjoy.

Thanks to: **moonbunny317** (*waves* Hi again! I didn't think I'd get any of my old review-ers, but I did! Thanks!), **AMANDA** (I'm glad you do *bows*), **Deathwish** (Hey, you have a cool sn! But yet, I will continue and I will be changing a few things… Adding more yaoi here and there… ^_^), and **manda** (*blinks* Alright… You weren't kidding.)

…How could he face Heero if he woke up in a hospital? But even so, how could he let the Perfect Soldier die?

"Catherine, I can't take him to the hospital. Can't you just get the circus medic?" Trowa asked. There, he had made the decision. 

The worried woman sighed deeply, her eyes not leaving Heero,

          "I-I guess…" She ran out side to get the medic.

          Trowa stared at the machine-like beauty of Heero. Messy dark brown hair stuck out in all directions like a messy crown. His chest and arms were lean and finely muscled, but the bronze and healthy glow to his skin had gone. Then, Heero's eyes opened just a tiny bit, cloudy because he was not yet fully conscious. The dark Prussian eyes were full of masked pain, both physical and emotional. Then they closed again.

          The door burst open and Catherine ran in, closely followed by the medic. He was a tall, middle-aged man with brown hair and blue eyes behind glasses. The man's hand flew to his shocked mouth as he surveyed the scene,

          "What the hell did this?"

          When Trowa refused to say anything, Catherine turned to the medic,

          "Please, no questions. If you don't help him now, he'll die!" The man's frown lessened and he looked at Heero. He examined Heero with careful precision, then stopped at the pilot's left arm. The doctor turned to Catherine and Trowa,

          "I'll have to set this, and it ain't gonna be pretty," he warned them. Then turning to Heero, he spoke to the pilot's subconscious,

          "If you can hear me, please stay very still. This is a very dangerous procedure."

          With a loud crack, the medic snapped Heero's bone back together expertly. Heero back arched off the table and he let out a hoarse, muffled scream of pain. Cathy went to his head and stroked his soft hair,

          "Shh… Everything's going to be okay, just hold on," she whispered to him.

          Trowa watched the scene, feeling an unknown feeling in his heart. It was slightly wrenching, but on the other hand, soft and caressing.

          '_Its so hard for me to watch him scream like that… Why?'_

The medic then set the arm in a tight splint and followed a large pool of blood to Heero's leg. He looked closer into the wound and saw something.

          "It looks like there's a piece of shrapnel in there. I'll have to dig it out." Trowa nodded silently.

          Taking out a tool, the medic used it in Heero's leg, digging slightly. With that, the boy's already harsh breathing hitched in his throat and he involuntarily banged his head on the table, eyes squeezing shut as he gritted his teeth with a moan. Finally, the medic produced a fairly large piece of metal from Heero's leg. Heero let out a huge sigh and relaxed, his mind slipping into something more than unconsciousness, but short of oblivion.

          "Is he dead?" Cathy asked cautiously in a soft voice. The medic took Heero's pulse and frowned,

          "No, he's not dead, he just went into a coma. I should have guessed that it would happen, because if I had just done that to another person, they'd be dead. I have a feeling that this young man is unlike normal, average people. He must have undergone a lot of training to be able to withstand this," he said. The man bandaged the last of Heero's gashes and bruises, then packed up his medical bag. He turned to Trowa and Catherine for a few last words,

          "When he wakes up, don't let him use that arm for a while. Without a cast, you'll have to be extra careful. Farewell."

          Trowa was glad that the man had asked no questions, for if he had, he might have been forced to kill him.

_*end flashback*_

          Heero's eyes drooped then opened again quickly, as if he was aware that he was falling asleep and wanted to prevent it. After Trowa had told him about the situation with OZ, he found that his body was exhausted still, even after a month of coma-like sleeping. And Trowa saw it.

          "Why don't you get some rest?" Trowa asked quietly.

          Heero's eyes glanced over at Trowa, and his head gave a small shake. But though he tried, he just couldn't keep himself awake.

           A strange feeling came over Trowa as he looked at Heero, who had the appearance of a broken toy soldier, the perfection gone. He then moved onto the bed carefully, and moved the smaller boy so that he was resting underneath the covers again.

          "Go to sleep."

          Heero was asleep within the minute. __

Heero woke with a gasp sometime later, sitting painfully upright. Trowa was gone and there were screams of fire and the smell of sulfur outside. There was a battle- his instincts never lied. 

          '_Trowa…'_

Slowly but surely, Heero lowered his legs to the floor. Then, he grabbed the headboard and stood up with a wince. He wobbled slightly, but eventually limped to the door. Heero opened it with his good arm, and then limped out the door. _Never had he felt so weak._

"TROWA! Don't do it!!" A young woman, Catherine, climbed up to Heavyarms's cockpit and glared at her brother. Trowa, after the surprise on the OZ soldiers at the Circus, had tried to self-destruct. She looked at Trowa angrily, and slapped him as hard as she could.

          "Don't you realize that people care about you?! Did you even stop to think about the people you would leave behind?!" Tears ran down Catherine's face as Trowa sat there in silence, stunned by both her words and her hand.

A while later, Trowa sat in the grove where he hid his gundam, thinking. He heard a sound behind him and jumped up, having his gun ready for any intruder. But the gun soon lowered and his eyes widened as he saw Heero there, looking exhausted.

          "Heero, what are you doing here?" Trowa asked him, hiding the worry in his voice and standing up to go to Heero's side.

          "I heard mobile suits," the Wing pilot said in an emotionless tone, the best he could manage. Still, his legs wobbled unsteadily, threatening to dump his weak body on the ground. With a sigh, Trowa hooked his arm under Heero's to steady him,

          "Don't worry about it."

          Heero looked up at Trowa, suddenly captured in the depths of deep green. His heartbeat grew faster with something he'd never felt before, a nice and alien feeling. Trowa's eyes locked onto Heero's, suddenly feeling as if his whole body had melted. He lowered his face closer to Heero's, unsure of what was happening. Their lips connected softly, a whisper of a kiss, then broke away.

          The mask of the Perfect Soldier snapped quickly into place, and Heero tore away from the gaze and grasp. He swallowed hard and tried to stop his hands form shaking. _Why were they shaking anyways? What had just happened? _Confused and uncertain, Heero took off at a stumbling run. Trowa started after him, ignoring the tingling feeling in his body,

          "Wait!"

          His breath came in short gasps as he ran. With each step there came pain.

'_I've never felt that way before… What happened?  What's wrong with me?!'_

Heero's vision blurred as his legs gave out under him. He fell with an audible thud, not bothering to try to get up or even fight for consciousness- It wasn't worth it anymore. The last thing he felt was warm, strong arms carrying him before the blackness came to claim him.

Author's Note: hey, the story finally begins… And mind you, I'm very evil with my cliffhangers, if you take them seriously, that is. 


	3. Understand

Title: **Silence and the Soldier**  
Author: ForeordainedDestiny   
Category: shounen ai/yaoi  
Rating: PG-13  
Pairings: 3x1x3  
Warnings: The usual…boys with boys… Now, if you don't like yaoi, don't read it! Simple as that! Relations to Heero's and Trowa's Episode Zero.  
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing characters and universe are the property of the copyright owners. Plus whatever is mine, is mine (which is little or nothing). I don't make any money….  
Feedback: Any and all comments and feedback is welcome.  
Notes: They are just so cute and torturable in their Episode Zero's… *sigh* Oh, and I know I deserve all your hate for not updating in forever… GOMEN! Now, time for a bit of mental torture… Lets see if I still got it.

Thank you to the people that reviewed the 2nd chapter:  **Xan** (*cough* Yes, I know there are some typos… I try not to have them, but… Beta-reading takes too long. I like to be able to post them quickly.. You know that.),  **Katsuyuki Sumisawa** (Yes, you can have more… Just yell at me when I forget to update like this.), **Sicilienne** (I apologize for disappointing you, but hopefully I'll work more… faster. Thank you for the lovely review! I don't deserve it…), **Vampire Queen**(Your list of favorite stories? How cool… I hope I'm still on there.), **moonbunny317** (Sorry, sorry! I will work harder! And thanks for thinking it was cute… I'm not very good at shounen ai.), **Katie **(read it before? Like one of my old reviewers? Cool!)

                Trowa waited while Heero slept. He waited for the other pilot to wake up so maybe he could gather up enough courage to tell Heero the truth, the truth about his true feelings. However, his thoughts were interrupted by a soft groan from Heero on the bed. The pilot of 01 opened his eyes, only to find that Trowa was staring straight at him with those intense eyes. Wrenching his own eyes away from the deep gaze, he spoke to the taller pilot.

          "You must think me as weak… cold-hearted… a disgust…" He started. Heero stopped and turned rigid when he felt Trowa's hand on his cheek.

          "No. Not at all, Heero." Trowa's words hit Heero like a tsunami. "You're the most amazing person I've ever met." His eyes were soft with raw emotion as he caressed Heero's cheek. On what little human instinct he possessed, Heero closed his eyes and leaned into the caress, suddenly desperately in need of Trowa's touch. It was his first in quite a long time.

          "Why me? Of all people, why me? Why someone who isn't sure that he is able to love?" Heero murmured. He curled up till his head was tucked under the taller pilot's chin, but still made allowances for his injuries. And yet, it was a good feeling, to be warm and safe.

          Trowa hesitated once, then kissed the top of Heero's head.                                  

          "Because you're you. I have no other explanation. Words fail me."

          The strange fluttering sensation occupied itself in Heero's chest once again. He reached up his hand to touch Trowa's face, but winced and drew back. Pain lanced all around his broken and still-healing arm.

          "Maybe you should rest some more…"

          Heero was clearly not all right. He sucked his breath in with a painful hiss and doubled over, clutching his arm. Trowa moved forward to help him.

          "No. Stop. Don't help me." Heero's voice was firm and commanding, but full of pain as well. Ever since his self-destruction, Heero had been struggling to regain his self-control, but had been failing miserably. He was unable to hide his emotions as well as he could before. "Trowa, this is the first time that I can remember that someone has told me that they cared for me and I don't need to be treated like an invalid."

          Trowa considered this and refrained from helping him, honoring Heero's decision and strength.

          "If that's what you want."

          "Hn." With a grunt, Heero lowered himself back down on the bed and pulled the covers up around his body. He forced his breathing to slow down, and then opened his mouth to speak.

        "I-I know that I'm not the best person to be around, but will you please understand that this is all new to me?" 

The corners of Trowa's mouth quirked a tiny bit, but to Heero, that meant a lot.

          "I understand."

          "Thank you. I'll try to–" Heero was interrupted as the door opened.

          "Trowa? The Manager wants to see you about the show tonight, and when we're moving next." It was Catherine. 

          '_A show? Tonight? How could I have forgotten…? But I can't leave Heero here alone… His condition has gotten worse…' _Trowa thought, but kept his face completely stoic. Although his face showed nothing, Heero could sense it. Heero gave Trowa a look that simply said,

          '_Go.'_

          "Trowa, on this next show, we're simply going to be entertaining a bunch of people from this colony, nothing fancy. You're going to be doing the usual, so I don't need to explain that." The Manager, a man in a suit, complete with a hat and tie confirmed his role as the ringmaster. The two had met in the Manager's trailer.

          "Yes, Sir," said Trowa, and he turned to leave.

          "One more thing, Trowa: We're going to be taking a shuttle back to Earth after this, so be prepared to leave. I told Catherine to spread the word," the Manager said. Trowa nodded and left.

          '_A shuttle back to Earth? I'll have to be careful…'_

"Heero, are you alright? Do you need anything?" Now it was Catherine who sat by Heero's bed, taking over her brother's position. She noticed how the boy's hand shook while he held his spoon to eat the soup.

          "I'm fine," Heero mumbled in-between bites. He was getting tired of girls always hanging around. First the Peacecraft girl, now Catherine. He knew they meant well, but it just got annoying. 

'_Where's my gun…? Wait, where am I? I thought I was in Trowa's trailer…' _Heero looked around, seeing that he was in a graveyard. His eyes widened as he saw the familiar build of a man walking towards him through the mist.__

_          'O-Odin?' _ 

          Catherine saw that Heero had fallen asleep. Frowning, she took away his food and felt his forehead. 

          _'Just great. A fever,' _She thought. '_I'd better stay here until Trowa comes back.' _She sighed and got out a book.

          _'I guess all those years with you weren't so bad, boy.'_

_          'Whatcha looking at? The void of space…which took everything away from you? Or…your own image, a face without a name…?' _In Heero's conscience, Odin Lowe's words came back to him, real and loud just like Odin himself had said them for the first time.

          "You're dead. You died a long time ago."

          '_Here's one last bit of good advice. No matter what happens, follow your feelings. So, you may as well do what your heart tells you, so you won't regret it later. That's the right path…for people who live in the present._

Heero felt a pain in his chest as he struggled to control the urge to break. He was not a doll.

          '_Okay… this is good-bye. Don't get killed.'_

          "I didn't get killed, Odin. I did exactly what you said… I _always_ did exactly what you said… Don't leave again… Please." Heero begged. 

          The man known as Odin Lowe walked up to Heero and looked him over, his eyes deeply examining the teen.   

          _'Hm… I always knew you were gonna grow up to be like this. Now look at you, a fearsome Gundam Pilot. Dr. J sure did a good job on you- Better than I could have.'_

Heero glared at the dead man and clenched his fists,

          "A good job? Is that all I am? A machine that people use in wars? You have no idea what I went through, and what Dr. J did to me! Sure I'm good for war and battle, but what will happen when we achieve peace? What then?!" He shouted. Odin's allowed his face to show a little sympathy, but said nothing.

          "What will I do?!" Then Odin disappeared. The Wing pilot sank to the ground, frightfully all alone.

          "What will I do…?" Catherine's eyebrows furrowed in a frown. Heero had been mumbling, but now she could make out what he was saying. She dunked the washcloth that she had put over his forehead into the bowl of cold water again. Trowa still was not back, and Heero's fever had rose. But she knew that there was something special about this boy, so she didn't worry about the sickness too much. His body was just weak from his injuries, that's all.

Trowa needed time to think and be alone. He sat by the lion's cage, stroking the fur while the lion purred loudly in his ear.

          '_What will happen when Heero gets better? Will there be more fights with OZ? I don't know…' _

_          **'I have always been a soldier.' **_A voice whispered. It was the voice of a young boy.**__**

****"Who's there?" Trowa asked aloud. The lion roared suddenly.

          **_'I used up all my sadness when I was a baby.'_**

          Realization came upon Trowa…. 

          "I said those words to Midii, so long ago."

          Just then, the young, blonde girl Midii herself walked out of the trees towards him. She held an outstretched hand towards him,

          "Nanashi, it really has been a long time."

          "M-Midii…? Is that really you?" Trowa stuttered, at a loss for words. He then saw that the girl's image was almost see-through: An image of his past. Was he losing it?

          "Yes. I said this once, and I'll say it again: How long do you plan to wear that mask that never cries? Come on, at least show some emotion towards the one you love!" A look of sadness crossed her face, but she shook it off quickly, for what she had wanted once was impossible.

          "I…" Trowa started.

          "You what? Why aren't you with him now? He's sick and hurting and you aren't with him, which only makes it worse. He's doing exactly what he's done for his whole life- Survive through hell alone. You also choose to be alone, ne? You always choose to be alone." Midii was getting angry with him, trying to get Trowa to see her reasoning.

          "He _loves_ you, Nanashi. And he's trying to understand that!" Her words softened and halted as her image faded a little.

          "My time is up. Farewell, Nanashi. Please make the right choice and see what I mean. The Perfect Soldier has done something that has been thought impossible. He has fallen in love with Nanashi."

Midii disappeared, leaving Trowa once again alone. He got up and ran to the trailer.

          TBC.

Author's notes: Hey, I just love Trowa and Heero's episode Zeros… they're so cute. If you haven't read them yet, you can find them at:     I think almost everyone's is there! A bunch of the phrases from this chapter were from there…

Well, hope that didn't go too badly… Did it?


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